Leaning February 13, 2008

I have had about enough.

Since Monkey was born (three years ago today!) I have had my gall bladder removed, been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, suffered a summer full of migraine headaches, and had a miscarriage. In the last six months I have seen five different doctors. None of which have any answers, but all of them have that same distracted look in their eyes and the same effortless shrug in their shoulders.

Today I received a call back from my OB explaining they don’t know what is going on exactly and things should just work themselves out. He recommended waiting until next month to start trying again.

What a surprise. Another non-descript conversation ending in tears of disappointment.

At this point I am completely frustrated. It is hard for me to swallow the fact that maybe the doctors will never figure this out. I may just have to live on Advil since it is really the only thing they all agree is safe to take while trying to conceive.

No Limit, No Measure February 5, 2008

Over last weekend we moved Monkey to a “big girl” bed. We purchased a full size mattress and I went to Target and picked out a quilt. The quilt I picked was the last one in that color and didn’t have a tag on it, therefore I took it to customer service and explained I wanted to purchase this, but wanted to find out how much it was since all of the quilts were on clearance. The woman explained she would have to search for it by hand so it would take a while. I told her I was in no hurry and to take her time and she could help others when they came up. Monkey was asleep in the car so Daddy was listening to the radio, patiently waiting, so I didn’t have all day, but I still offered my patience.

About 20 minutes into the process I realize some of the colors on the quilt are a little loud. I asked if she would mind if while I was waiting I could step outside with a pillowcase and get a ‘yea or nay’ from daddy. She explained I couldn’t take unpaid merchandise out of the store. I thought she misunderstood, so I explained I wanted to take just the pillowcase, not the blanket and I even offered to leave my wallet. Same response, followed by “it’s policy”.

Take it Back January 28, 2008

I just read this post on my girlfriend Nina’s blog and it got me thinking.

Is there ever a way to undo the hurt inside of us? We can forgive and sometimes we even forget, but does it ever go away?

I was a victim of domestic violence before I was married, and when I think about that time in my life I do not hold anything against the abuser, nor do I remember all of the details, but I do know to this day I still feel a pit in my stomach if I see someone that looks like him. But I made the decision to take my life back, and as a result I was able to find true happiness in God, my husband and my family.

That being said, I am often tempted to google the abusers name or run a background check on him, but I usually dismiss these thoughts because I believe letting him have my focus in anyway is allowing him to have more of me than he should have ever been given.

About a year after Travis and I were married, I did look him up once. And I found out he was involved in a vehicular manslaughter in the same small town Travis and I were married, on the same day. I am sure there is a reason, and I know this mans heart, so I can honestly say he would probably want to take back the events of that day. However, because there was no reason for him to be in that town, on our day, that pretty much scared me into not wanting to know anything else.

Little Blessings January 17, 2008

Today, Monkey and I bundled up and went out into the freezing cold for our first visit to preschool.

Little Blessings came highly recommended by one of Travis’ clients and a MOPS mommy also chimed in with a raving review, so we decided to check it out. We purposely went unscheduled so we could see the teachers and students in action. Upon arrival the first thing I noticed is the building wasn’t marked very well. I was unsure where to park, so I just parked at the front of the church, unloaded Monkey and headed for the doors. Locked. So we walked around to the side of the building and found all of the doors to also be locked. I called from my cell phone. No answer. I peeked inside the windows and could see a couple of students so I tried the phone again. No answer. Keep in mind in Colorado today we had a high of about 25 degrees, so I am getting impatient fast. We walked back to a different door and I called one final time and they answered. I explained why we were there and she said she could almost see me on camera and she will let us in.

We toured the facility and watched a few classes in action and I have to admit I was less than impressed. The classrooms were small and the students didn’t really look like they were all that interested. The tour guide explained because of the size of the rooms, the state will only allow eight students, instead of ten. She said it as though it was a good thing, but I have to say I don’t see it that way.

We looked at the playground equipment which was covered in snow and she explained the children go outside and play every day. I must have made a strange face or something, because she looked at me, paused and then explained when it is cold they just go for a walk on the sidewalk near the road. Again, less than impressed.

There were other issues that I didn’t feel right about (again the blessing/curse of discernment) but the moral of the story is we are going to pass.

Bull Headed January 14, 2008

Bluto often sleeps most of day long without more noise than the occasional snort, proving he might be the laziest dog I have ever met.

However, lately when he is in his kennel at night he has been whining.  We got into the habit of letting him out before we went to bed, and if we ever forgot, we would find quite the mess in the kennel in the morning.  I always found this odd, since most dogs won’t go in the kennel, but read online Bulldogs will make a mess in their kennel when they are upset with their owners.

This was also confirmed by Melody of Lobopuppies.com who indicated she has a ‘diva dog’ who will relieve herself on the floor if Melody doesn’t throw her toy as soon as it is dropped at her feet!

However, cleaning the kennel and the dog is much easier since we now own a dog that is less than 7lbs, so I was happy to do it, blaming myself for not paying attention.

However, today, Travis let Bluto out for his morning duties and put him back into his kennel after since Monkey and I were not up yet.  I came downstairs less than 30 minutes later and found a urine soaked puppy and a very smelly living room.

I got everything cleaned up, the dog fed and medicated (the last of his second prescription of giardia meds) and started my morning routine.  I fed Monkey, cleaned the kitchen and living room and pulled out the vacuum.  I let Bluto outside to do his business again, and when I let him in he immediately hid under the couch because I started vacuuming the living room and he’s a big baby.

As I walked back from putting the vacuum away, I hear Monkey say “She peed on the carpet” (Monkey thinks everyone is a ’she’).  I came around the corner and sure enough – not one, not two, but three different pee spots on the carpet!

Why?  We had a good morning, he was pampered and brushed and fed and even had a piece of cheese with his pill.  We had played and he was curled up by the fire just prior to this whole incident.

Could he be so bull headed that he was mad that I actually vacuumed even though he doesn’t like it?  If that is the case, what everyone has said is right.  My second baby is my problem child.

Stop the Insanity January 11, 2008

Robert Palmer sang in 1989:

You can’t sleep. You can’t eat.

There’s no doubt. You’re in deep…

You might as well face it

You’re addicted to love

That song was performed almost 20 years ago, so do the same rules apply? Are we still addicted to love?

I think on some level we are. Millions of dollars a year are spent on Hallmark cards, online dating agencies, and romantic comedy movies. Almost everyone craves love and companionship.

What else are we addicted to?

According to Gregory Bloom, author of Overcoming Entertainment Addiction we are addicted to the entertainment zone, which in my house primarily includes the internet and television. Mr. Bloom spoke at our MOPS meeting on Tuesday and he really got me thinking.

Britax Regent January 9, 2008

Monkey is about ready to outgrow her carseat, and is legally ready for a booster seat. She will be three next month and weighs 37 lbs and her carseat only goes to 40 lbs. As I look at her, I cannot imagine her little body being able to sustain a car crash in just a booster seat, so I looked into the whole thing a little more and found a company by the name of Britax which makes 5 point harness seats that go up to 80 lbs.

The Britax Regent got excellent safety reviews online, therefore I purchased one online through Babies R Us. I was so excited when the package arrived within a week. I pulled the seat out of the box and the first thing I noticed is how huge this seat is. When I say big, I mean it. I can sit in the thing! If I didn’t have my large SUV, there is no way I could fit this in. Not to mention if I had two kids that had to sit side by side.

Re:Solutions January 2, 2008

So Christmas came and went and I have to say as I enter the new year the buzz of resolutions is all around. I definitely have a squeezable inch here and there (or two) that I can loose, but the baggage I feel I must focus on this year is the emotional baggage. Upon reflection it has occurred to me that instead of trying to make things work, I need to just let some things go.

This year my mother decided not to come over to my house on Christmas eve for the first year since Monkey was born. As I mentioned before I was hurt by that decision, but I decided before the holidays that Monkey will be my focus and it was my mothers loss. I focused on the people that want to be with us and had a really great time with Travis’ side of the family.

Monkey loves to see her step-cousins and while it is typically uncomfortable at my dads due to a lifetime of unresolved issues, I decided to suck it up and go spend Christmas eve day letting Monkey do what she wanted.

Not ten minutes after we arrived I regretted that decision. Almost immediately my father felt it was his calling to be the one to rebuild my sisters and my relationship, which has been broken more times then I care to talk about. First he tried to present the argument as if he was my ‘ally’ and just trying to understand. When that didn’t work, he tried the guilt angle. He pointed out it was Christmas (as if I would agree to this torture under any other circumstances) and that it would be his Christmas gift if I would forgive her. He also tried to tell me how ‘unchristian’ it was to act this way.

I really took time to think about this and pray about this comment, since my mother said the same thing just weeks before. After some time of prayer, I just flat disagree.

Bluto Health Update December 20, 2007

We heard back from the vet today regarding Blutos fecal exam. He has giardia and worms in addition to the other problems mentioned previously (very dry skin and possibly no testicles). The giardia and worms are the cause of the loose stools (hopefully). The good news is these are very treatable things, but the fact that they were never treated is a reflection on the poor conditions it can be assumed he was living in. The vet said it was impossible he got these things while in our care since we have only had him since Monday night.

Therefore we have paid over $100 in vet care for a dog we have had less than 72 hours (and that was after the vet gave us a free sample of the first prescribed medication)… so it begins.

Melody at lobopuppies did email me back after the prior post and indicated she has been very busy. She agreed to accept our vet records even though they were not faxed within 24 hours since we were waiting for a complete set of tests. So, that is good news.

However, as most of you know my spiritual gift of discernment is sometimes a gift, and sometimes a curse. In this case I really have started to feel as though all of the information available was not provided to us. I really want things to work out, but in my heart I still feel as though something is not right.

Big ol’ Puppy Dog Tears December 20, 2007

After we purchased Bluto, I looked online and discovered Melody’s sister is the owner of epuppypro.com She sells French and English Bulldogs and is also based in TX. I had looked at her website prior to purchasing Bluto, therefore I was not surprised to learn they were related since there are links to each others pages from their home pages. However, I was surprised to learn epuppypro.com has claims against them from unhappy customers. People commented the dogs were sick upon arrival, and one had even died, however according to the claimant, the dog was not replaced.

There was also a claim against lobopuppies.com, indicating the claimant was upset the dog was tattooed (which was a surprise for us too when he arrived) and the dog had worms and parvo. Since these are not life threatening, no guarantee was honored.

As I said pretty clearly, these are claims made online, therefore I have no way of knowing how valid the claims are, nor do I know what both sides of the story is. The owner of epuppypro.com was questioned by the local news and said she had no way of knowing the dog was sick, and the guarantee was not honored because the family did not have a vet complete the paperwork indicating the dog was sick within 72 hours, as stated in the contract.

I do know that we were surprised to see the tattoo upon arrival, as that was not disclosed to us prior to purchasing. But what is more disturbing is the vet told us yesterday he cannot feel his testicles. The vet said it could be an indication the dog is younger than listed on his paperwork, or he may not have any. Additionally, his paperwork claims he had shots at six weeks, which our vet stated is too young for shots therefore they are not effective and will need to be repeated in about a month. This is now a cost I have to incur. The dog also has loose stools, which could be a result of the changes he has gone through – or it may not be.

Prior to going to the vet, I emailed Melody at lobopuppies and requested the vet contact information (name, address, phone) in case our vet had questions. We had also been emailing about his registration, however she charges $200 to register the dog to us and stated the paperwork can take a very long time to come in. I asked her to forward me the paperwork since we are still undecided about registration and if we decide to do it, we can send in the papers and fees.

I have had no response from the email.