Leaning February 13, 2008

I have had about enough.

Since Monkey was born (three years ago today!) I have had my gall bladder removed, been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, suffered a summer full of migraine headaches, and had a miscarriage. In the last six months I have seen five different doctors. None of which have any answers, but all of them have that same distracted look in their eyes and the same effortless shrug in their shoulders.

Today I received a call back from my OB explaining they don’t know what is going on exactly and things should just work themselves out. He recommended waiting until next month to start trying again.

What a surprise. Another non-descript conversation ending in tears of disappointment.

At this point I am completely frustrated. It is hard for me to swallow the fact that maybe the doctors will never figure this out. I may just have to live on Advil since it is really the only thing they all agree is safe to take while trying to conceive.

Patience Is a Virtue… One I Don’t Have! February 8, 2008

I am sure most of you know by now, but for those of you who don’t let me tell you, I am a terrible waiter. I don’t like to wait for answers, I ruin surprises at Christmas, and I just really do not like the unknown. Truth be told, Monkey is more patient than I am, and she’s three (in five days)!

Of course God knows this too, so wouldn’t you know it? He’s asking me to patiently wait.

I haven’t been feeling all that well lately, and I missed my period (sorry if that’s too much info for my male readers LOL). I finally talked myself into going to the doctor yesterday. As I mentioned before I really didn’t care too much for the OB I was seeing before, but she’s covered under our insurance. I really wanted a comprehensive check, so I decided to suck it up and pay out of pocket for the OB who delivered Monkey.

I went and he explained there were several things that can cause a delay in my cycle so he wanted to do complete blood work and an ultrasound just to see what was going on. After the ultrasound it was determined my uterus has a very thick lining. This means one of two things: Either my body “stopped” somewhere along the line after my miscarriage and the lining was not shed, or we’re pregnant. He could not tell from the ultrasound because if we are pregnant, the sac and baby would not yet be visible.

If it’s the first I will need to have a D&C. I am pretty scared about this for several reasons, but I am mostly sad because this means I will have to wait even longer to try for our number two. This would also confuse me even more because I had a period in January! For those of you who didn’t pay attention in 7th grade sex ed (or you are too old to remember – like me!), a womans period is when  the lining of the uterus is shed.  He also mentioned if I just let it go, eventually the lining would close off my uterus completely and I would become infertile. Thank you God for convincing me to go to the doctor!

The tiredness could also be a sign my thyroid pills need to be adjusted. That’s never fun because the appropriate dosage is pretty much a guessing game until they get it locked in, all the while I am feeling “off”.

I am thinking this is what will happen, but still praying for a miracle. I don’t feel pregnant at all (other than how tired I am) and the urine tests came back negative. If the blood work confirms a pregnancy, I will be high risk and it is likely I will need hormone shots in order to carry to full term.

I tried to find more information on line, but there just isn’t more to find at this point. There are just too many considerations to be made in order to make a definite determination.

Everything should be back in about a week, and I will keep everyone posted, but in the mean time, God just has us waiting.

Hidden Behind the Trees December 12, 2007

As most of you know, we had a miscarriage about three weeks ago. I have always believed when tragedy strikes, God has the greatest opportunity to do something great in my life.

I delivered food for my fellow MOPS mommy last night and I felt really blessed to have had the chance to put a smile on that young womans face. As I also mentioned before, I have decided to check out volunteer opportunities at The Rock in the youth ministry (called Illuminate) and I am looking forward to working with that group tonight. All in all I am basking in the sunlight of the Lord.

As I was getting out of the shower today, the phone rang. It was my ministry leader for The Care ministries at The Rock. She asked me to go to The Childrens Hospital to pray over a family in need. The child was a 2 1/2 month old little boy who had a brain infection. They doctors didn’t know what was causing it, thus didn’t have the cure. They had told the parents to take their son home and enjoy the time they had left with him. I cannot imagine how overwhelming it must feel to be standing in the middle of a forest of unanswered questions with no idea how to return home.

Reap What You Sow December 7, 2007

The dust has settled and after a lot of reflection I have come to realize part of the hole in my heart that I am feeling is because I am not serving at church like I used to. Even though the work I did for Southlink Church was not my passion, nonetheless it allowed me to feel satisfaction in knowing I was doing my little part for the Lords house.

About 5 months ago Travis and I took a class called “Discovering Gods Design for You” at our new church. We learned about our spiritual gifts, and it really was a great opportunity to learn about ourselves and each other. As part of the class they try to suggest areas in which your spiritual gifts may be used. One of the suggestions that came up was youth ministry. At first I was like “No way!” Not because I wasn’t interested, but because I thought there was no way I would succeed in a position like that because of all of my insecurities, my social anxiety, and the fact that I prefer one-on-one relationships.

Travis got busy at work and we had so much going on that I kind of ignored my desire to start serving at this time. Plus I really felt like I hadn’t found something that was a perfect match. Still, the thought of youth ministry kept creeping up on me. So, I researched it and discovered the process for becoming a youth leader at The Rock is pretty straight forward. They have it all listed online, and I didn’t have to throw myself out there and actually contact anyone in order to learn more about it!

Undone. December 1, 2007

I feel undone. The entire experience has just been proof that no matter how much I guard myself, that things can go awry. Many of you know my personality. Even keel. I try not to become too excited about something until I know it is going to pan out. In this case, I withheld my excitement until the baby’s heartbeat was confirmed. Once that was established, we started to make plans. I am not a planner, but getting ready for a baby by the ’seat of your pants’ is not a good idea. So over the holiday week we prepped the room for the nursery, picked names, shared the good news with relatives, and so on.

To turn around five days later and ‘undo’ what was such a joyous experience…its a little rough. Aside from seeing Angie in pain, the hardest part is waiting for Monkey to forget. That being said, things are normalizing a bit. I am looking at Monkey with a renewed sense of awe. And we’ll make plans to try again.

- Travis

While I’m Waiting: John Waller November 30, 2007

For those of you who have not heard John Wallers “While I’m Waiting” I highly recommend you track this song down. I tried to find it on myspace, but John Waller doesn’t have this one listed…

I first heard this song about a year ago. The ministry team I was leading was going through some division due to some decisions and changes and I hadn’t been able to attend the worship session in quite some time. Finally God placed a true leader on my team and Travis and I were able to hear this song the very first time John played it for our congregation. I was so close to my breaking point, yet God used this song to remind me that I hadn’t been forgotten, and I had a responsibility to continue on the path that I knew was right…though it is painful…and it’s not easy…

Since we lost the baby, God continues to put these words that I love so dearly on my heart. A week ago God let me know it was time to start serving again. Even though I do believe I serve Him every day when I love on my daughter and husband. Every day when I am a good steward of our blessings by cleaning my house and working on the never ending laundry, but yet, I know I can do more…While I’m Waiting… I will serve you, as I’m waiting…

In the shower, when I am alone with God and my tears blend with the hot water and no one can hear me cry and no one feels sorry for me, I hear it… I will move ahead, bold and confident…

Black Friday November 26, 2007

After the ultrasound on Tuesday I had some light spotting. Unfortunately, yesterday the spotting continued and progressed to more steady bleeding. We called the doctor and she said we should be fine to wait until today to get checked out.

We went in to the office today and after an ultrasound it was determined the baby no longer has a heartbeat. The doctor said there is a less than 5% chance of this happening, since the baby appeared to be in such good standing less than a week ago. However, for what ever reason God’s plan does not include this child with our family. The baby died just three days after our ultrasound – “Black Friday”, November 23, 2007. A year ago this time Monkey was having tubes put in her ears. This year we celebrated her big sister status and had her ears pierced.

It is just hard to believe that something that was so alive less than 7 days ago, is now gone. That being said, we know it is not without reason. While it is hard to accept, both Travis and I have taken great comfort in the fact that God does have a plan for us and He loves us and will take care of us… but oh how I would love to see what He sees right now.

Big sister Monkey got pierced! November 23, 2007

We had never wanted to pierce Monkeys ears while she was still a “baby”. The conversation would come and go, but we had decided every time she was still too little. As time went on, we decided that it was something we could do when she became a big sister. We put the idea out of our heads since that wasn’t going to happen for a while.

Well, as most of you have already heard she is going to be a big sister. Therefore, today we took the plunge and took her Jack and Jill’s Childrens salon and had the deed done. They were great with her and pierced both ears at the same time to avoid more pain and fear than necessary, and she did great! She cried for a little bit, but both of the women working said she did better than most little girls.

She does look a little more grown up now… Travis said about a year older. Even so, in our hearts, she will always be our baby.

First Doctor Visit: Could be a boy… November 20, 2007

Our first OBGYN appointment was today and I was excited and nervous at the same time. As I mentioned before, this pregnancy has been a lot different from my last one… the biggest difference being how good I feel!

We had to change doctors, which is never fun, therefore I was even more nervous. However, even though the drive is long (about 45 miles away) the doctor was extremely nice and the NP was also very helpful and friendly.

They did do an ultrasound and we got to see the little bean. We are right on track for a due date of July 6th, 2008. We got to see and hear the babys heartbeat, which was at a strong 128 beats per minute… which if you believe the old wives tale, it is a boy!

I will post the picture of the bean a little later… although because it is so early there isn’t much to look at….

Pending Fatherhood November 13, 2007

It seems that we are to be blessed by another child. I find it difficult to contain my excitement. As usual, I am trying to play it cool, but this really is overwhelming and thrilling all at the same time. There are a lot of things that are different with this pregnancy:

• Angie is not working. Well, she is working (I love ya babe), but she is now working in the home. No more early morning and late evening trips to various childcare outlets.
• We live in a different house. I guess we need to start baby-proofing this place. This is a blessing as well as our last house would have been a bit too small.
• Angie isn’t as sick as she was last time. Maybe it is a boy.
• I am a lot more calm. Of course, this could all change at the first ultrasound. I tend to be a visual thinker.

It is our second go at this…so hopefully I will have learned a few things from the first time around. I now know that it is okay for a child to skip the baby-food stage and go directly to steak and taters. I also learned to spend a little extra money on diapers and a thermometer, but it is okay to cheap out on baby-wipes and formula. Time to start putting together another nursery. Although, I suppose I should finish Monkeys room first…

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